Taking the Bad with the Good

There are good days and bad. Then you get the really bad days. Those can just be days or they can last for weeks. When I was younger I would get into these funks for weeks on end. I would cry in the shower every night. I don’t do that so much anymore, but I’ve taken to doing that again more recently, and more often than I’d like to admit. Some days are hard out of absolutely nowhere. I wake up in the morning and I don’t want to get out of bed. It takes me a good hour to two hours to gain the strength to get out of bed. Unless I of course have to work, then I force myself to get out of bed.

There have been a lot more things weighing on my mind recently. More significant and big life things than when I was younger and I would get upset over not seeing my boyfriend for weeks, or how my body wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. Now, it seems like those are small things compared to the biggest things weighing on my mind, like what I want to do with my life, a friend’s passing that almost never leaves my mind, and a family member fighting cancer. But sometimes, even when all those things aren’t at the forefront of my mind, I just want to cry and be sad. It’s taken me a long time to realize that that’s okay for me. It just means I’m not having a good day that day. It’s not entirely okay, but that’s just how I am.

There was a Thursday not too long ago that I was having a horrible day. I got up that morning feeling okay, but the moment I realized I was still spotting it’s like my world came crumbling down. I’ve been dealing with a lot of problems with birth control as of late, but that’s for a different day. That day I just felt like nothing was going right. I tried to look for jobs to apply to, but couldn’t find any worth applying to, at least in my mind. That’s been a struggle for a while now for me. I see a job that I think looks amazing and interesting, but then they ask for all this experience. I have about five months of cashier experience. That’s it. But this day in particular it was like nothing was going right. I ended up curling up in bed for a while and falling asleep because I just couldn’t deal with the day. I noticed pots and pans that needed to be cleaned, but I neglected them because I just really didn’t want to do anything. Of course, I felt bad once my boyfriend got home and he cleaned them, so I got up while he was napping and cleaned the bathroom. Well, I wiped it down and cleaned the toilet, but it was something.

If you can get up and do one thing while you’re feeling like the world is falling down around you, then it’s a big accomplishment. At least it is for me when I feel like that. It seems like I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately, or at least like my emotions are fragile. I don’t like feeling like glass and like I can shatter at any second. I want to be a strong plastic, okay maybe not exactly, but you get what I’m saying. A lot of the time I feel like these bad days or horrible days are me getting in my own way. During one of these days I feel really discouraged, which kind of explains the not wanting to do anything. Even if you end up doing absolutely nothing that day, but getting out of bed to get a little something to eat or something along those lines that’s still a huge accomplishment.

That’s another thing I dealt with for maybe the first time in my life ever, was a lack of appetite. And I’m the kind of person that needs to eat something within a certain amount of time when I get up otherwise I’ll feel sick. I’ve gotten sick on many occasions because I didn’t eat in time. Throwing up macaroni isn’t fun. That part really scared me, but I got up and ate something small anyway because I knew I needed to. It was terrifying because I knew that was something that many people experienced, but it had never happened to me. I didn’t think it would ever happen to me. It was hard for me to realize that I was so low I didn’t want to eat. I was talking with one of my best friends that day about everything because I needed to talk to someone about everything. I was scared of what was happening, but she told me just to eat something small and go curl up in bed instead of worrying myself to death about my job situation among everything else. She told me to take care of myself.

Sometimes you just have to stop doing the things you need to do and take care of yourself. Yeah, it’ll suck when you have to go back to them later, but tackling something when you don’t feel well can sometimes make you feel worse or just more drained. I’ve been feeling really drained lately, both physically and emotionally. I just wake up and I want to go back to sleep, but I know that’s not always a good idea. All I really do when I’m not at work is sit around on my computer all day, and yet I feel drained. I don’t really have a reason for it and I don’t really need to. I just need to figure out how to balance everything, which can be hard for me to do. I need to take care of myself while doing the things I need to do.

I’ve been going through a rollercoaster of emotions since I moved away from home. I know that’s a cliché way to put it, but it’s true. Moving away from home has caused a lot of emotions, but I don’t think they’re entirely to do with that fact. I think it has more to do with the change than anything else. We moved into a new apartment, which is beautiful and we did it with the help of my wonderful family. On move in day I was happy and I didn’t shed a tear. It was a lot different when I moved out before, there were a lot of tears that day. I couldn’t tell you what the difference was between the two days besides the people. Maybe it’s the people that make all the difference. In addition to moving I transferred stores. Which may be the bigger change of the two, strangely enough. While I’m working in the same store everything’s different. The store layout is pretty different and the people are obviously different too. But moving here has solidified my thinking that retail isn’t for me. At least being a cashier in a store isn’t for me. What’s harder is the realization that I don’t know what I really want to do with my life yet. I have dreams of where I want to end up, but the getting there is the hard part. I don’t know what jobs to get that would eventually lead me to where I want to be. I think that realization is what has sent me on the biggest rollercoaster.

Dealing with all these emotions has been hard and I have a really hard time talking about them with the people I’m closest to because I’m never sure if they’re going to completely understand what’s going on in my head. But again, that’s me standing in my own way because communication is everything. Sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. You have to know that you’ll get out of it eventually and know that you will feel better at some point, but if it takes a day of crying to get it out of your system take that day. Although, I don’t recommend that at all because it leaves you drained and feeling worse than you did before. Crying takes the energy right out of you, but sometimes it helps release the emotions you’re feeling. Take that step to help yourself feel better. Curl up with a good book in bed in comfy clothes. Turn the tv on and watch your favorite movie or show, something you know will make you laugh. Do something you enjoy. Don’t ever forget to take care of yourself.

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Laura Samuels

Former English major and college graduate from Michigan who’s trying to make her way in the world.