Taken Too Soon
I recently heard a song called Drowning by Chris Young that made me think about my friend that I lost three years ago. I also talked to a few coworkers about him and one of them said that if I wanted to write about him this year, I’d find the time. I haven’t really written in a while and there’s multiple reasons for that. I have a new job and I’m working on my novel. Between that and trying to relax I haven’t made the time. In the last year, there have been a lot of deaths around me and with each one it gets harder. The people who I didn’t know all that well don’t hit as hard as the others, but they’re still reminders of those we’ve lost before. That includes Marcus.
I can’t believe it’s been three years already. The song Drowning by Chris Young can’t say it any better, when he sings that grieving you comes in waves, he’s got a good point. I can talk about you now without bursting into tears, but I have moments where I just wonder why you’re not still here with us and I cry. Either that or a song like Drowning comes on and I can’t help but think about you and it brings me to tears. Three years without you is way too long.
The song talks about how all he can think about is how it’s not the same here without you. And he’s right it’s really not. There were some good things that came out of it. One of our mutual friends and I became a lot closer. We still talk about you to this day, whether one of us has a dream about you or we’re just thinking about you. You’re still in our thoughts every day. Your picture still sits on my dresser at my parents’ house. It’s a reminder of what could have been, seeing your smiling face looking out at me. Don’t get me wrong I love seeing it, it just hurts a little extra sometimes. Another good thing that came out of it was that it helped my husband and I get stronger in our relationship. I saw how much he cared when you died. Not that I didn’t know he cared before that, but the way he rushed home when I found out solidified the fact that I wanted to marry him and I did. I feel as if I’ve become just a little bit stronger because of you. There are times when I don’t always feel that strength, but I know you’re right there with me cheering me on.
Pride month will almost always be a hard month for me now. It’s nothing behind what it stands for because love is love after all, but it’s because that’s what they had to identify you with. We were told that the police had to identify your body by asking friends what you wore to the Pride festival in Ann Arbor the day before. So, whenever anyone talks about Pride month that’s all I can think about. I know in time it gets better, at least that’s what they tell me, but it’s been three years. When does it get better? It really truly never does.
There are times where I go months without thinking about you now, but then either I see your picture at my parents’ house or someone mentions Pride or I simply just think about you and try to remember your laugh. My favorite part of you, other than your hugs of course. There are bits and pieces of you that I know I’m losing and that breaks my heart. I try my best to keep your memory alive, but it’s hard when thinking about you is still so painful. There are memories that come back to me that do make me smile, but they still make me a bit sad too. You should still be here to make new, fun memories, but you’re not.
You took your life and I still don’t know why. You’re the reason I’m so afraid to lose anyone else in the same way. You’re the reason I’m still here and fighting every day to stay here, no matter how hard it gets. You’re the reason I try my hardest to make sure that others know I’m here for them, even if I just check in every once in a while. You’re the whole reason for all of that. I have this fear now that I’ll never be able to get rid of because I’ve watched so many people suffer because of what you did. A fear that someone else close to me will do the same thing.
Am I still angry with you? Not so much anymore, but that’s because in some sense I understand what you did. I may not know the why exactly, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still understand. I’ve been there. I’ve had my share of dark thoughts and thinking that the world would be better without me in it, but I choose to stay here. I watched what myself and your family and friends had to go through when you took your life, I don’t want anyone else to feel that way ever again. That is the reason why I don’t succumb to those dark thoughts. That’s the reason why even when I feel like I’m drowning I still hold my head above water. And I will carry as many people as I have to in order to help them hold their heads above water too. If that’s just one person, that’s great, if it’s two or three, I can take it, even if it’s five or six or even ten, I can carry them all. I know it’s not a good thing to take on the weight of the world, but I will if it means I don’t have to go through that heart break ever again.
You were strong, one of the strongest people I know, and you still lost your battle. There are still those thoughts in my head, those what ifs, that say that I could have done something, anything, to keep you here. But I really don’t think there was any keeping you here, not any longer than you wanted to be here. You left when you wanted to leave, which is how you always were. Although, if a friend needed you, you would stay and make sure they were alright. You were always there for others, no matter what. Now it’s my turn to take that on.
