Self-Conscious
I went to the doctors recently, nothing’s wrong just my annual physical, and turns out I’ve gained weight. I know I just wrote an article recently about how I’m beautiful and all that, but it doesn’t always feel that way. Yeah sure sometimes I think my face is pretty, but I don’t always feel okay with how the rest of me looks. Sometimes I feel confident in the way my breasts look or my curves, at least under clothes. Get me naked and all of that melts away. I feel like I’m that teenage girl looking in the mirror wanting to rip off my stomach again. It all started when I went to get my wedding dress. I went to try it on when it came in and it was snug. It’s a size ten. It should fit. Well they were able to get it on and buttoned, but it was tight. Then I went to the doctor and they weighed me. 174 pounds. I feel like last year I was in the 160s at least. I want to say I had gotten down to 161. Which means I’ve gained over ten pounds in the last year. I didn’t change anything to get down to 161. I might have been a little more active but that’s it. I guess that’s big enough to make a difference.
My clothes fit the same. Nothing felt different until I went to try on my wedding dress. My confidence went out the window in that moment. It’s possible that the sample dress fit simply because so many people had tried it on and stretched it out, which would explain why my dress is tight. It needs to be stretched out and worn in, in order for me to fit into it. I still absolutely love it, but I feel more self-conscious now. I keep reprimanding myself for not going with the suggested size. It can always be made smaller, but nope I went with the sample size. I didn’t think about the fact that so many people had tried it on and stretched it out. Not until after I had tried on my actual dress when it came in. I feel like an idiot. If I had gotten the 12 instead of the 10 it would’ve been fine. However, every other dress I own right now is a 10. So, it doesn’t make sense that my wedding dress wouldn’t fit since it too is a size 10. I thought it would be okay.
In that moment when my consultant went out to find someone else to button up my dress for me, I wanted to cry. I started to panic. If she couldn’t do it, then how is my mom or one of my girls supposed to get me ready on my wedding day? I know there will be alterations, but it’s easier to make a dress smaller than bigger. I didn’t think this would happen. I’ve been so steady for the last few years. And since in my mind my beauty is tied to my weight, I don’t feel beautiful, which is something that’s kind of important for my wedding day. Hopefully between now and then I can lose some of that weight in some way so I can fit into my dress better and not be so self-conscious on my big day.
It doesn’t help that I don’t get compliments all that often. On my wedding day I know I’ll get showered with them, but that’s supposed to happen. That’s what a bride expects. I know you’re supposed to love yourself, but when you have a hard day or are feeling down on yourself, it would be nice to have someone there saying ‘I think you’re beautiful no matter what.’ When I do get compliments it’s usually from one of my best friends, and while it helps sometimes other times it doesn’t entirely feel like enough. It should feel like enough, but it doesn’t. I’ve just been having a really hard time with it lately. From my dress not fitting to finding out my weight has gone up. It’s been on my mind a lot lately. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as much as I can. It’s a tactic I used to use in high school when I was feeling really down on myself; as opposed to standing looking at myself in the mirror and literally grabbing the fat on my body and pulling while crying at the same time. I haven’t gotten that far yet.
Speaking of my younger self, I look back at my relationship with my ex sometimes, which is a road I don’t like to go on very often. I remember me getting upset at him for not calling me beautiful, and that’s when he really started texting me ‘good morning beautiful’ and commenting on my pictures on facebook. I can’t help but wonder if that was actually sincere. Did he really think I was beautiful? He didn’t say it in person all that much either, just texting. At the time that was enough for me. It helped me feel a little more confident. Obviously, I know he was with me for so long so he had to find me attractive in some way. It’s just hard for me to stop my mind from over thinking about that whole situation.
I know we should love ourselves and think we’re beautiful no matter what, but on the days we’re not feeling our best mentally it helps to have that one person say ‘you look beautiful.’ There are times I feel pretty, but that can change in an instant. The second I saw that number and realized it had gone up from last time, is just one example. I see others around me, beautiful people, that don’t let numbers bother them. I was talking to a coworker of mine one day about it and he told me that the number on the scale is just that, a number. It shouldn’t matter, but in my head it does. I’m working on trying to be better. Trying to accept the way I look and turn my thinking around. It’s a lot harder than just thinking to myself ‘I’m beautiful.’ It’s been a long road, that’s for sure. And even though I’ve had a setback and I still have a long way to go, I know that someday I’ll truly come to think that I’m beautiful. I may always be self-conscious in some way, but I know my wedding day is going to be beautiful and so will I.
