Remembering
It’s weird the random things you remember after someone has passed away. For example, whenever I thought about Stitch I would originally think about my husband, since he does such an amazing Stitch impression. Now, Stitch makes me think of Melissa, one of my college friends who passed away recently. She was all about all things Stitch and Marvel. Even though it’s been about six or seven years since we last saw each other and a year since we last talked, I remember those little things about her. It helps that other people are bringing them up in their posts.
The first time we met was freshman year of college. She was in my freshman orientation group and we walked around together the first few days after moving into the dorms. It helped that she lived across the hall from me. Naturally, we saw a lot of each other that year. We hung out a lot in her room, since my roommate wouldn’t let me use the TV in our room. Melissa and I would watch our shows together. We would talk and laugh together. We would go to dinner together. Sometimes it was just the two of us, other times her twin sister and some of their friends were there too. I loved those nights. We would sit there for hours just talking. I would just listen and laugh with all of them. I don’t remember saying a whole lot, but I was there and that’s what counted.
We would also go to karaoke nights at a restaurant just off campus. Those were nights I always looked forward to. I never got up to sing, but just being there with everyone was so much fun. She helped make freshmen year fun for me. I hope I helped her in some way too. Looking back on it now, I wish I would have moved in with her when I had the chance. Maybe we would have gotten along better than my actual roommate and I did. Maybe we would have stayed close and stayed in touch. We talked a little bit sophomore year, but by my junior year we had lost touch. That part breaks my heart because she was such an important person to me my freshman year. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it if it weren’t for her. My boyfriend at the time helped, but I like to think that she was a big part of it. She kept me company when I needed it the most.
The shittiest part about all this remembering is I feel like I shouldn’t be sad but I am. I haven’t seen her in years. But I would have liked to. I would have loved to have heard all about Coleen, her partner. I would have loved to have heard all about her life and catch up. We could spend hours, days even, just talking about our lives. Now we’ll never get the chance to, and that makes me so incredibly sad. I guess one of the reasons why I feel like I shouldn’t really be sad is because there were so many other people who were so much closer to her. Although, we talked last year and we both said that we considered each other close friends still. We just cheered each other on from afar. I still feel this weird give and take in my mind telling me that I shouldn’t be so upset over her passing, but I am. And I think that’s okay.
I’m also angry. But that’s another stage of grief, right? I feel both anger and sadness at the same time. I don’t know if that’s ever going away. It hasn’t still for Marcus, my friend who committed suicide, and it’s been two years. I know both of these deaths are different, they happened under different circumstances, but in a way they’re the same. Both people are gone way too soon. Both people should still be here. I feel like this is the emotion out of all of them that I struggle with the most. With Marcus, I’m angry with how he died, how he chose to die. With Melissa, I’m angry at the driver who swerved and hit her. I read an article that had part of the police statement in it saying that the driver swerved and hit her and her partner. That little detail is going to be something I remember for a while. That small little detail pisses me off. Was he texting and driving, not paying attention, and hit them? Drunk? Did he do it in purpose? We may not ever really know the answer, or we might find out. The one thing I’m thankful for in this situation is that it seems like they’ve caught him and he’s in custody.
One really good memory I have of her is when her and one of her friends showed us a video of this girl putting the lyrics of Let it Go from Frozen through layers of Google Translate. And she made a series of it on her channel. It’s been a while since I watched any of her videos, but I remember that one made us die laughing. We were sitting at dinner in the Commons, it was almost closing time, and we were just dying laughing at this one video. I don’t remember how it was brought up or who even brought it up on their phone, but somehow one of them showed it to us and it was awesome. It’s amazing the things you remember when you hear a song or just simply see something random.
Remembering is sometimes the hardest part of grief, but sometimes it’s the best part too. There are so many happy memories I have with Melissa. Those memories now have a tinge of sadness to them, but they still make me smile. I’ve always held a special place in my heart for Melissa. We had some pretty amazing times together. From freshmen orientation to joking around in her room watching tv to late night karaoke, I’ll always have those memories to look back on. She was one of my closest friends and now I’ll miss her forever. Her and her partner should still be here and that’s the hardest thing to deal with. I wish I would have gotten the chance to hear about and meet Coleen, but what’s done is done, unfortunately. Now, all we have left are the memories. Memories that I will cherish forever.
