Marcus

Recently, I’ve had this idea to write about friendship as a form of relationship since I write about relationships so much. It was an idea I was toying around with, then I had something happen that completely knocked me down. One of my best friends died. He took his own life. Which made me want to write this angry article about how suicide is stupid and the most selfish thing to do, but is it? Is it actually the most selfish thing someone can do? That’s what I grew up hearing. It was all around me, but it never happened to me. You never think something is going to happen to you until it does.

He was this person that radiated life to everyone he met. Many people didn’t know he was hurting, but those close to him did. He explained to me how he was manic depressive and how he was scared what he would do to other people when he fell into his depression. Other people, not himself. He was always so concerned about other people. I worried about him, I did, but I didn’t always tell him that or check up on him. I always thought about him and I would tell him I missed him and that we should make plans soon, but we never did. I talked to him two days before he died about hopefully hanging out with him soon. There are so many things I wish that would’ve happened, but sometimes it’s just people’s ‘time’ to go. And as much as I hate it when people say that, there might be some truth in it somewhere. We can’t keep kicking ourselves for not doing something. What’s done is done and we can’t go back and change it. I need to follow my mom’s advice more often. She’s right, I can’t change the fact that I didn’t check up on him all that often. If he had really wanted help, he would’ve asked for it. Maybe he did in his own way, but we have no way of knowing now.

I feel like a lot of the time friends are people we take for granted the most or maybe that might just be me. I always say that we need to make plans soon and I never do. There are tons of excuses I make for not hanging out with people, which would be why I lost so many friends throughout my life. Friendships are relationships that need to be treated just like you would a romantic relationship, just maybe without all the physical stuff, but you do you. You have to nurture them and talk to those people that you consider your friends. Although, there are some people out there that can reconnect after months of not talking and have it feel like no time has passed. I have some of those people in my life. I also have at least one person in my life that if I go a day without talking to her it feels weird. Even if it’s just a heart emoji when we know the other is feeling down, just to let the other know we’re thinking of them. Every friendship is different, just like relationships. My friend who passed away was one of those friends that when you saw them you ran to them and gave them a big bear hug, and even if you hadn’t seen them in months it was like you saw them just yesterday.

He seems to be proof that you don’t know just how much someone is hurting, even if you feel like you’re close to them. I wouldn’t say suicide is selfish anymore, not after knowing him. He wasn’t a selfish person when you got to know him, sure he wasn’t any good in a relationship, but he was the truest friend. He told it to you straight, even if you didn’t want to hear it. One of our friends experienced that first hand. She definitely didn’t like what he told her, but she understood that he was telling her those things because he cared about her. He always had such wonderful bits of wisdom, even though he was so young. We always joked about how we were the mom and dad friend of the group. He even started sounding like me, and I him. We had rubbed off on each other in the short amount of time that we knew each other. That’s what friends do. They start to act like one another, especially after spending so much time together. They become staples in each other’s lives, like he did in mine. I might not have seen him for a couple months before his death, but he was always on my mind.

I have cried my fair share of tears for him and I’m sure I’ll cry more, but that’s the effect that friends have on you, or at least they should. We do the dumbest things with our friends and I know we would have had our fair share of dumb things that we would’ve done had we just gotten a chance to do them. This summer I was going to try to make our wine night finally happen and I still will, just without him. I’m sure I’ll still have a good time, but that’ll be because we’ll be talking about him. I’m not a religious person, but I do like to believe that our loved ones watch us somehow after they’re gone, so I know he’ll be there having a glass of wine with us. When you find your true friends, and you will I promise, those are the people you hang onto with all you’ve got. I know I have a few that I’m never letting go of, including him. He’ll always be stuck with me. And wherever he is I know that one day, hopefully when I’m old and gray, I’ll meet him wherever he is and give him that great big bear hug.