How Has it Been Two Years Already?
Wow. I can’t believe it’s been two years already. Two whole years without you. Life has changed a lot without you in it. I got married, which is still crazy to think about in some ways, but I’m happy. You’d be proud of me, I hope. I’ve gotten better about communicating, at least a little bit. I know we had talked about that before. I just wish you were here. I know you and Katie would have a ball planning my bachelorette party. And you wouldn’t have been one of my bridesmaids, but you would have been there for it all. Now all you’ll be, at our big celebration in October, is a picture on a table. That hurts more than anything else. I know you’ll be there in spirit, but it’s not the same. You would think that it would get easier, this whole grief thing, but it doesn’t, not really.
I still remember everything that happened the day I found out. It’s like a bad dream. But it’s also a good memory in a way because Jeremy was there for me. I texted him that they had found you and that you were gone. After that, he rushed home as fast as he could to be with me, which meant the world to me. This might sound kind of morbid, but when you died is when I realized how much I loved Jeremy. At least it was part of it. I knew I loved him already, but the way he came rushing home to be with me told me that I wanted him to be by my side through all the hard times, and the good times too of course. In that moment I knew he would be the one to help me through all my grief. He just held me as I cried that day, like he has many times in the two years since.
I can’t help but think about what you would say about where I am now and my whole situation. I got married in a small ceremony and I wish I could hear what you have to say about it. I know you’d be happy for me. I have a feeling you’d be proud. I wish you could have been one of the many people that watched the livestream and texted me on the day of. I know you would have been there. You might have even cried some happy tears seeing me get married. It’s not every day your friend gets to have two weddings after all. And I know you’d be there in October, if you were still around, dancing and partying it up with all of us. You’d be there for all of it, if you had stuck around. I wish you could be there, more than just in spirit.
I wish I could still talk to you. You texted me right before you died saying we needed to hang out soon. Just goes to show that suicide isn’t always planned. Sometimes it happens in the spur of the moment. Although, for all I know you could have had it planned, we’ll never know now. I wish I could tell you all about everything that was going on. I wish I could talk to you about my fears and my happy moments with moving the big wedding to October. I wish I could just have one last conversation with you. I just want to be able to talk to you and hear your voice, even just one more time. I’m sorry we didn’t talk a whole lot at the end. I wish I would have reached out more. I’d like to think that if I did that you’d still be here, but I know better than that.
It doesn’t help that I randomly start thinking about you from time to time. I can be completely fine and then I’m in the shower and a song comes on that just barely makes me think of you, or you randomly pop in my head for no reason. Then cue the water works. I start to cry and then it’s like I can’t breathe. My heart is still broken and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to, you took a piece of my heart when you left. And the fact that you’ve been gone for two years just seems crazy to me. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long at all. But it also feels like it’s been forever without you.
Everything and anything I read, hear, or see that involves suicide I immediately want to break down. Anything that involves it instantly brings me back to you, Marcus. I can’t listen to a certain song anymore even though it has a positive twist on the end to it. I don’t know if it’s just because of the suicide bit of it, or if it’s because I’m still angry you didn’t call that phone number. If I read books that involve suicide or watch a movie, it’s like it brings back the pain all over again. If I get caught off guard by something involving suicide, it makes me break down. I can’t handle it. I have to brace myself. If I brace myself I at least can weather the impact that it has on me. I was always affected at least a little bit by suicide depictions, but now it’s brought to a whole new level.
It gets better with time, but it also gets worse. The memories start to fade and I can’t help but feel guilty. I’m trying so hard not to forget you, but that seems almost impossible, I can feel small details slipping away as life goes on. I feel like I’m forgetting what your voice sounds like. I go back onto your facebook page just to watch videos people have posted with you. I feel like your laugh sticks with me the most though, as I type this I can almost hear it. We were always laughing and having such a good time. I miss that. I miss all the times we had. We had fun, but there were also some really hard times. That’s when I would see you really shine and your true self would come out, still joking of course, but also serious. You were really there for your friends. You were there for me when I needed you. There are a million things I could say, but I think the most important and what all this has been leading up to is this; I miss you. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you. You were a special light in my life, and I may not have known you all that long, but you touched my heart. You’ll always have a special place in my heart, forever and always.
