Five Years Without You
This year I’ve missed you more than other years. It’s just felt different without you. I’ve wished you were here more this year than most of the years past. Our best friend is getting married this year. Can you believe that? It’s been a road to get here that’s for damn sure. I wish you would have been here for me to talk to. I needed you. I still need you. I looked back at our old messages not too long ago and it made me sad. I wish I talked to you more about more things in the world. You had so many things to say about everything and I would have loved to hear all your opinions.
Something that’s always bothered me, you never got to graduate. You never really got to experience the world. I’d say you aren’t missing much, but you are. You’re missing the world. A world that you didn’t think you were good enough for. A world that you thought would be better off without you. While it hasn’t been great, it would have been a lot better if you were still here.
You missed a god awful pandemic which wasn’t fun for anyone. You’re missing one of our best friends get married in September, which I know you’ll be there but it won’t be the same. Nothing is the same without you. I would have loved to have had you at my own wedding, but you chose not to be there. You chose to take yourself out of everyone’s lives. I still wonder why. I know I’ll never get the answer, but I still wonder why. This year more than most I’ve been wondering why. What could have made you take yourself away from the world that was a lot better with you in it? I’ll have to be okay with not knowing because none of us will ever know.
We bought a house, you’re missing that too. I know you would have wanted to help in some way, even if it was just coming over after we moved in and got situated and bringing the party with you. I keep wondering, if you were still alive would we still be friends? I like to think we would be, but I don’t know. I think you’d still be in our mutual friend’s life so by association you’d still be in mine. I try not to think about that though because the thought is just upsetting.
I keep trying to think of what to say in these letters to you every year and this year is harder than those in the past. My mind has been so cluttered and scattered lately, from buying a house to things at work. It’s hard to keep things straight in my mind. All I know is that I still think about you. Every night there’s songs that I listen to that remind me of you. Lately they’ve been making me cry because they’re catching me off guard, but if I know they’re coming sometimes I can sing along. I sing along until the words start to sink in and I feel my voice get caught. Maybe this is why I’ve been so quick to irritate lately.
I always have your anniversary in the back of my mind whenever it comes close. This year has kind of snuck up on me. I feel like I can almost feel it coming. I feel like I felt it longer this year, but my weekends were busy and I was trying not to acknowledge it. I don’t want to think about the fact that you’ve been gone another year, just like that. The years without you have gone by way too fast. I know they say that as you get older that’s what they do, but I feel like I’m forgetting parts of you that I don’t want to forget. I go back to your page every now and then and watch videos that other people have posted just to remember your voice. I hate how memory does that. It always lets go of the details even though you don’t want it to. I’ll do whatever I can to keep your memory alive, whether it’s doing this every year or looking at videos and pictures of you.
I feel like lately I’ve been feeling more sad and hurt that you’re gone. Not that I didn’t feel those feelings before, but I feel like I was more mad before. Don’t get me wrong the anger is still there, but now I’m just hurt that you would think that the world would be better off without you. I’m sorry if this is so scattered this year, I guess it’s just a look into my brain right now. You deserve so many more words and so many more pages, but this is what my brain can muster up this year. Just know that you are still thought about and loved dearly. You will always and forever be missed.
This is the suicide prevention hotline: 1–800–273–8255 or you can text HOME to 741741. Please save these numbers in your phone and prevent your friends, family, and loved ones from going through the same heartache that I’ve had to go through. You are loved. You are worthy. Please stay.
