Another Year Gone
Another year gone, another year without you. Part of me can’t believe it’s been that long and another part of me feels like it’s been even longer than that. It feels like a lifetime ago that we lost you. People always say that, but it’s truly how it feels. Time can be tricky. Everyone says that things get easier with time, but do they really? I feel like some days are really hard without you and others I don’t think about you at all. I know there’s that analogy with the box and the ball and how some days the box is smaller or the ball is bigger and it’s easier to trigger the grief, and that’s how it feels sometimes, but others it just feels like there’s a pain in my heart that I can’t quite shake.
Every time someone says ‘bet’ I think of you. Any time I hear someone say it at work it makes me think of you and there are times when I can smile and others when I just want to cry. I still miss you so much. The memories don’t come up as often anymore, but whenever someone brings up suicide or it pops up in a show or in a movie my mind always flashes to you. That dull ache gets a little sharper. There are times, like now, when that dull ache becomes a roar and it’s hard to bear, but I push through and soon it becomes a dull ache again.
There are times now that I feel like I can smile at the memories, but there are still other times when I just want to cry and scream because you’re not here. Now is definitely one of the times when I want to cry because you should be here. You weren’t at my wedding in October last year and you should have been. You didn’t get to dance with me and be you at my wedding. I know damn well that you would have slow danced with me for at least one song. I can see you now cutting in. I would have loved that. It definitely would have made me laugh. You should have been there dancing up a storm with us. I know you were there though. Your spirit was there with Katie, my maid of honor, and I every step of the way.
I feel like I’m at a loss for words this year. I’m still angry. I’m still sad. I still miss you. Those three sentences are really what it comes down to. There always seems to be more feelings than that, but that’s really what it comes down to. I feel torn a lot of the time on if I even have a right to be sad because I didn’t know you for long, but you yourself even said that we were stuck with each other and I loved that. You took people in, no matter who they were or how long you had known them, and you’d never let go. We became very fast friends. I told you so much about my life and you told me about yours. I don’t know how much you truly told me. I don’t really remember you sharing the dark side of you with me, other than the fact that you were afraid of what you would do to other people when you were in one of your episodes.
This time of year is hard because everyone is going to Pride celebrations and in the back of my mind I’m just thinking to myself that they had to identify you by what you wore to Pride that year. I still wonder what exactly happened to you. What were you doing that led you to walk in front of a train? Were you just walking around aimlessly and just did it? I’ve heard that you did write a suicide note, but they weren’t able to read it. I feel like you had it planned in some way. You enjoyed one last hurrah at Pride and then said goodnight to everyone and went for it. I know there’s no making sense of what you did. What’s done is done. But closure is a thing that would be nice. I feel like I haven’t really been able to get closure over what you did, but I don’t even know where to begin to get that. You’d think that by going to the funeral and hearing everyone’s stories about you that I would have some kind of closure, but I don’t. I’m glad I was able to go to your funeral, but my heart still hurts.
I always try to take time to reflect every year about how long it’s been since you’ve been gone, but this year feels weird, kind of off. I’ve had a hard time focusing on anything for too long. I don’t know if it’s just the fact that I’m getting older (I know 27 isn’t that old) or just that I’m moving on in a way. Every time I pass by an Amtrak station my heart still drops, but it doesn’t reduce me to tears like it has in the past. It reminds me of you and how you chose to leave the world. The pain is still there, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to and I think, I hope that’s a good thing. I’ll never forget you. You’ll always be my best friend.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800–273–8255 or Text HOME to 741741 if you or a loved one are in need of help.
