A Bah Hum Buggy Christmas
I know I wrote an article last year around this time about this topic, but here we are again. I thought I would be better this year, but same old me. I’ve been stressing out about a lot of things lately. I always stress myself out about what to get everyone for Christmas, and now that I have a new family to shop for it piles up. I’m only getting two people something this year, but I would have liked to have done more. We’re doing a white elephant like we did last year, but I’d still love to be able to get everyone at least a little something. I realized last year that I like to give more than receive. You’d think that since I have a wedding coming up that I’d be excited, and I am don’t get me wrong, but it adds to all the stress. With all this stress on top of some added personal things I’m going through, some to do with the wedding and more to do with my mind, it leads to a bah hum buggy Christmas.
At first, I thought I would start early on my Christmas shopping, but that only turned out to be early shopping for my fiancé. I only recently did the rest of my shopping. I really need to space it out more so that I’m not spending all that money at once. It also helps to do some in the stores, but this year a bout of really bad depression hit me. I didn’t feel like going out and doing anything. I still don’t. I have to push myself to go out grocery shopping whenever I have to do it myself. And when I go grocery shopping I don’t also want to go Christmas shopping. That would only make the bill even higher. God money that’s the other thing this year too. All of a sudden it’s like it hit me that all these things would be taken out all at once and I started to worry about money. I had planned on getting more presents for people, but after the spiral in my mind about money that wasn’t going to happen. Someday I’ll be able to do what my mom does and get everyone at least like five presents each. Just throwing a random number out there, hopefully one day that’ll be true.
As the days go on and Christmas gets closer I get more excited for it, but I’ve found it almost hard to listen to Christmas music this year. It feels harder for me to get into the Christmas spirit, which pains me to say because I thought I would always love Christmas. And I still love it. It just also bring about a lot of sad feelings as well. There are people that I’d love to be around for this season that aren’t anymore. Some have been gone for ages, some only a year, and others this is our first Christmas without them. As I get older and say goodbye to more people it’s harder to want to deck the halls. However, someday I still want to be just like my mom and decorate the hell out of my house for the season. It’s just hard right now because I’m trying to get used to the changes.
There are things I normally do and people I normally see at Christmas time that I don’t get to do or see this year. And that’s hard for me. There are family members that I normally see this time of year and I won’t get to do that this year. One has moved away, and don’t get me wrong I’m happy for her, but I’m also sad because I miss seeing her. The holidays were a time when we would always see each other, but now that everyone’s grown up that’s not the case. Another family member is gone this year. He left us due to his battle with cancer. I wouldn’t see him on Christmas, but we’d always go visit sometime after. That’s hard too. I know other people struggle with this as well. People moving away, people passing away. It’s all hard. Of course for me it makes the holidays hard because I miss those people, especially those who have passed away. I try to find the happiness in some things, like the gifts I get people, but even that’s hard sometimes because I don’t know if they’ll like what I got for them until I give it to them. I always hope that the people I give gifts to will like what I got for them. I never feel like it’s enough.
This time of year, is supposed to be spent with family and friends. Well, because my job sucks and decided to work me eight days in a row along with about fourteen hours the two days leading up to Christmas, I don’t get to spend the time I’d like to with my family. I barely even get to spend time with my fiancé on his week off. Thankfully the weekend before new year’s I have off so I can spend time with him then I suppose. I also get New Year’s Eve off, but of course he works that day. I’ll hopefully get to spend the day with my family and then probably come back home the following day. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to stay there for an extended amount of time, but at least I’ll still be able to spend some time with them. Thankfully I have New Year’s Day off and I’ll be able to spend time with my fiancé then. I just want to spend all the time I can with everyone I love. I’m trying to find the bright side to things, but it’s a challenge.
As time goes on traditions start to change and that’s okay. I’m beginning to be okay with change, but it’s taking time to get used to. When someone takes away my chance to spend time with family, that’s really when I get upset. That’s what this time of year is all about, seeing those you love. If you don’t see the ones you love, then what’s the point? This time of year is hard for many, for me it’s mostly because I won’t be able to see the ones I love for the amount of time I’d like to see them. However, I’ll cherish the time I do get to spend with them. Maybe this won’t be such a bah hum buggy Christmas after all.
